$disanpoter

brain child of the bubble chart

i was standing by the cubicle of my collegue CRD, recounting how i had accidentally quelched a conversation the other night by expressing my aversion to Michael Moore (and being gratified with CRD's parallel revulsion while watching an interview of MM) when a minor epiphany revealed itself to me in the form of a phrase: "brain-child of the bubble chart." Just below the surface my mind had been plasmating...following a series of links that went sloppy logic => gleefully, spritely concept hopping => brain-storming exercises => bubble charts => hippie era education reform movements.

i've yet to fully research this impression i have of him -and i've also yet to see Sicko, so it's possible if improbable that his MO has changed since i last checked - but from what i know, his narrative style in film and writing remains is an exercise in fully exploring the fecundity of a-logical reasoning, in how far you can stretch the boundaries of association. it's not so much that the individual expositions lack foundation or basis, nor is it that there is no connection between the things he juxtaposes; it's simply that he goes about merrily stringing together a confluence of data with no real effort to properly relate the nature, scope, or strength of the connections he makes. my skepticism towards him is similar to that i developed for deconstructive literary readings. one can place some merit in the credibility of the information presented, but the leaps and conclusions are immediately suspect. well, but i'll still have to see Sicko. the point was, i feel like perhaps i understand the man and what he was going for better now, having related him to the bubble chart exercises. it almost inspires me to cut him a bit more slack.

interestingly, from this perspective he reminds me of both the subject and the author of that other book i read recently, Finding Atlantis. There, too, the thrill of pursuing potential connections and detailing interesting tangents ultimately removed from the narrative its original intent.

that statement was absolutely empty

i had a conversation yesterday about klonopin, of which i have only minimal experience albeit significant enough experience that i am a sure fan. recently, by which i mean the last few months, i've been pretty focused on the concept of accepting the relationships in my life at the level of involvement best suited to that particular relationship. accepting - or when necessary, adjusting, but given that i'm usually not the person making these decisions it's more about accepting the level of cross-over other people care to have between their social set up and mine. the thing is, up until last week i was doing pretty okay with this whole accepting business. but then i seem to have misread a few people, all within probably 3 days time, and more importantly assessed the general friendliness quotient of these interactions or gestures (depending on the case) to be higher than it later turned out to be. and it's made me doubtful. it's made me question entirely (because who am i if not one incapable of not questioning the whole when one small part comes under scrutiny (and really that's just inductive logic applied to reality, so i'm not actually wrong to do so, merely impractical)) - question entirely, whether this whole idea of having amicable relations at varying degrees of closeness is really something i'm capable of. so i've been seriously bummed the past few days. downright mopey even. and feeling a particularly physical form of anxiety that i had been getting better about spinning off into playfulness. hence the idea of klonopin. and the possibility of single situation anxiety management as an improvement from constant suppression via zoloft. only that was yesterday.

this morning, i saw the mirror beyond the bathroom door through the line of clothes i'd hung to dry, and in that scene of a sloppy colored lines and metalic reflections, i had to admit that i've simply swapped stresses. i've let my life diminish to a daytime of work without career growth and evenings of pleasant but (pre-determinately) inconsequential interactions - and that this, and only this, is the reason why i have not had to feel the level of disappointment, hurt, hopelessness, and anxiety that i have been feeling for the last few days.

that said, i had the pleasure of making a light-hearted but mildly ballsy comment to two people this morning at work, the response to which was 'i like her. can we keep her?' CD had answered my question in a way that didn't actually nail down a single attributes of the various data forms in question, and i responded 'that statement was absolutely empty.' it's one of the refreshing aspects of this position that i never seem to have to explain comments of this sort. they're readily accepted.

so it's not that i've really blundered so irrecoverably and so often of late in my social interactions. it's just that there are not lasting connections emerging from these [pleasant but predeterminately inconsequential] interactions. what is it about me that causes this? why am i not integratable into more sustainable social structures?  you don't need to answer that. really. i'm not sure i want to know.

i happened to turn on an episode of bones from an early season sometime last week. angela was confiding in bones, reflecting on her unwillingness to commit to what were very rewarding very stable relationships. she said "what if i just don't have a generous heart?" of course, it being a tv show, this possibility was promptly dismissed.

___________

also, as with this new work environment, i think the qualities that initially draw people to me are the same qualities that ultimately inspire them to drift away - or more accurately fail to prevent them from drifting away.

despot or diva? you decide.

i have a lot of personas for being the normal insignificant minion that i am. there's the bashfully exuberant persona; the yes, i know i rock persona, the diva-despot persona, and others. it's just so much easier to pretend i think i'm perfectly entitled to have people do things for me. especially when they do. i like to think that a little bit of friendly presumptuousness is entertaining. it doesn't mean i actually think people should do things for me or even that they ought to pay attention to me; it's just my way of coping when they do.

mis-kismet

so it's not a real word and it might even be a misspelling of its base word to begin with, but i'm swamped and kismet isn't even english to begin with, is it? - english or no, it is apparently spelled that way so i'm okay there at least.

turns out steven johnson is teaching a course on public intellectuals, which you'll recall from my post before vacation, has become the most recent focus point (http://del.icio.us/disanpoter/thinkers) of that ever present sensation that i'm stuck in the landslide of people scrambling to keep pace with their chosen trendsetters and just falling further and further behind. anyway. it's not me; it's the information - or Information, the stream of it constantly flowing in and over itself in successive waves of new. i know this. i know there is too much being created to keep up with it all - even with 'it all' only in those areas i've fixated on, but still.

so now there's this seminar at NYU, that would be awesome for me, and would be kismet, in that i was just thinking about how i need a better, more structured, less maintained by me (who has adopted the airline philosophy of booking and double scheduled all her brain cells), source of following and reflecting on the ideas of these public intellectuals, and here's this seminar guided by a man i already look to for those things and respect on just that.

only it's mis-kismet, because it's already started, and i'm not in NYU and it's probably to late to sign up for the course even if it were open to non-matrics.

hmm... non-metrics, would that be a subtle dig at us luddite yardage users?

okay. i'm just way having way to much fun with words and syntax structures today. back to work.

oh my good grass roots

yes. i admit it. i caved. i went on myspace today. i followed friend links back into the mire of high school acquaintances and the loose associations of children's choirs and society girls and other attributes i've never had assigned to me and it all reminds me is that i lived in that world for a while. and we all grow up to do what we do. it's just that simple. 

better that britney

first the back-story: in college i dated a guy from MIT for a while. at some point during the second date when he was showing me how cool his computer was - actually he was demonstrating how nice it was to be at MIT where they got windows os releases before anyone else - he pointed out some britney spears picture and asked "isn't she hot?" the episode had an impression on me. yup, from that point on i never even entertained the idea that there were men who didn't get off on steaminess and porn. the irony is the "Twins" episode i'm watching right now while i scan old family photos has a bit about porn. [and doubly ironic my new neighbors who have infant twins just came by].

Anyway, in high school my best friend's first serious boyfriend, at one point during or after they were together told her he thought i was hot. i was pretty chunky this. I have a hard time believing him. but we've still had a few laughs over the ridiculousness of boys and the thing they think to confide in the girls they're dating. My hotness, however, seems to have made a lasting impression on him. he called kara because he's moved to new york and wants to invite me to a party. the only problem; i'm not hot. never was. but it's still really, really amusing.

[3F]

I've been so busy with work everything else in my brain has an aspect of scattershot to it. it's all over the place and i can only remember thinking about things; i can't recall the things themselves. Like two thoughts i had on the book i'm reading now. They're just gone. I can remember the timbre of them, the movement that the thought contained but not the actual content. it's very very frustrating.

On the other hand, I received a very nice complement the last night. Our family friend melina remarked about how impressive my book list is - or how much more expansive it was than most. It's actually not something i think about so much. As open as i am with my friends about people who's lack of thought or critical thinking capabilities frustrate me; i do think my general posture is to try not to give off the impression that i'm smarter than the people around me, let alone that i think that i'm smarter than them. I  feel very ambivalent about my intelligence. It's not like I sit at home thinking i'm so much more intelligent than all these people or even that I think that when someone's just chatting away or talking about normal things. It comes up when I'm not as enthusiastic about a new acquaintance, as it's one of only a few qualities that really turn me off. How else can one explain that someone's thoughts don't interest me than to mention that what they think about doesn't really interest me?

Anyway. the point is i don't deliberately sit around comparing my level of intellectual life to those of the people around me, and when it does occur it makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I don't like to think that i'm more intelligent that other intelligent people, but there's only so much one can decline a compliment without seeming insincere or snobbish.

okay, i need to work. this will have to be revised.

kitten are supposed to be warm and fluffy

I'm supposed to get some kittens from this guy in flatbush. I think there's been a bit of miscommunication, I thought i said I'd call if I could pick up the kittens today not whether or not i could. This guys wigging me out a bit, in fact. He suggested I call everyday to check in. no. then he's calling everyday. i find this fairly disturbing...really, quite disturbing...but i would like the kittens.

acoustic somedays

Can I say again how much i love my mom's new house. it's just an amazing space. this morning we're all in higher spirits. my mother's still a nag, but kim's just spinning into a ribbalding joke each time. it's these times that i love this family...

they've latched on to a radio station out here, and sunday mornings it's got a program 'acoustic sunrise' that we all agree is great. it's kind of like a real home, you know. the past is the past and nobody's trying to dredging it up or trying to bury it. like the comment kim mad about me when my mom mentioned to him i'd argued with katherine. "well, lindsay has a way of saying things that make people crazy." it's true, but at the same time, it's because when i'm pushed to lash out at someone, as my mother pointed out, i use what's true about them and i don't buffer it. it actually felt good to hear that comment. not that it's a great trait - but it was nice to be known so well. also, as far as bad habits go, i'd rather be known for delivering difficult truths than for throwing out ridiculous claims.[matthew sweet and someone else have a new album of covers out called 'under the covers', says the radio. i'm thinking this'll be my next purchase unless kim gets it first.] either way, i'm really the only person who gets hurt when i lose my temper. it's a very rare thing to find someone receptive to the idea of working on the deeper shortcomings in their life. plus, it's just not my job to change people and it doesn't matter that i'm just trying to help them have a happier more fulfilling life. i'm rambling.

anyway. it's a pleasant morning, here with the cool ocean breeze blowing in. this morning i'm going to prep some less expensive sound system options for my mom. oooh...a nice version of mr jones is on right now with some bluesy freestyling interludes. we like this song, this family, because it expresses our fantasy of being cats instead of humans. really, who wouldn't rather be a cat. i want to be a cat the way the mother in east of eden wanted to be alice falling into the rabbit hole.

anyway. back to 'work'

food for thought

i'm hungry today. I had a cup of cereal just a few minutes ago and already my stomach's growling...but it's just going to have to deal. it's gotten pudgy and it wants more than what's healthy. that and i'm going to have to have some more at 10:30, anyway...

jp came over last night. his electricity was out and i offered him mine. it was a calm night. not much of a shared experience. I had my things to do, and he had his, though we did talk for a bit about how his script's moving forward, but there was a casual distance in the air that i'm not entirely sure how to classify...

we were sitting on the front stoop around midnight when Michael, my upstairs neighbor, came home. i'd been sitting roughly next to jp, taking up the middle of the top stoop, so while michael chained up his bike, I semi-conconsiously scooted over to the opposite railing. at that time i didn't think much of this action, but within the next few minutes it occured to me that this might be seen as a reflection on how i'd prefer my association with him to be seen by others. and, especially at the time, i had to admit there was probably some truth to that. i'd like to get to know my upstairs neighbor better - and i'm not sure of the direction my own interest will take with either one of them, let alone what their interest might pan out to be.

what's funny about this is that they had more to talk about than i did, both being loosely linked to the whole indie film/arts/ music world. i should really get out and get myself associated with the whole i.f.a.m. sub-culture. apart from those who try to hard for the attitude and look of it, i do think it suits me. my neighbors have commented several times on the breadth of my interests, and i was never trying to bring attention to that quality. i was just talking about what i was thinking about...

so it's been a strange week as far as interactions with those of the peg-leg chromosome. first the guy in the supermarket who foisted his card on me and kept insisting he was a nice guy who just likes to make friends with beautiful girls (apparently, my most remarkable [in the literal sense] quality was a 'beautiful ponytail.' those who know how much care i take with my hair in the morning, i'm sure, can conjure up a quite accurate image of what state it was in after rolling out of bed saturday morning).

well, actually, first there was the board meeting friday night, and the drinks afterwards, which brought to my attention how interesting i find my neighbors and how much i'd like to get to know them all better. and then the supermarket the next morning. and then the treasure hunter director who listed as a reason why i should watch the show sunday 'and besides, your [sic] cute as hell!' which with me being in a playful mood already, left me musing upon what hell that would be and where they were selling the tickets to get in. and then sunday - well not much happened on sunday to be honest. but i was more than fine with that.