$disanpoter

ya ya

an hour ago i was napping. then chancey called and now i'm awake and tired instead of asleep and tired. probably for the best though, an afternoon nap after a sleepness night is one thing; sleeping away the entire night is quite another.

i caught a continuity error in Numb3rs tonight. that was amusing. in the set-up scene, a plane crash, they mention to one guy "the bodies have been removed to the LA Coroners" but then later when they return to the scene after discovering the crash was intentional, they make a comment about "what would someone kill 6 people to get their hands on" and cut to the bodies lined up under a big piece of white tarp before going to commercial. silly silly. anyway. it was a good episode, the math less components weren't as much of an obvious and hokey over-explanation as they usually are, and the story was interesting. but it's over now, and it's just me here with my finally working washing machine and the kitties.

i saw that guy again last night. that was fun. except i made some jocular reference to a greek letter and he responded i'd actually pronounced it right, only i don't think i did. who knows. it was a minor blip in the conversation and i cant really remember that much of the context. it's just reminded me of alphabets and how i used to know more than sporadic letters in several of them. so tonight i'm going to make up some flash cards for all the alphabets i have a half-knowledge of and start practicing, including the IPA, and the IPA sounds associated with each letter in each alpha. this will help me with...nothing. but it's fun. the cyrillic, of course, will help with bulgarian...if i can get a book on bulgarian. i looks like i won't need to learn japanese, sigh. though if i can find that language book i still want to.

oh...but back to the finally working washing machine - not so much! it appears that the dry cycle periodically dumps water into the drum. wtf. my comforter came out hot and thoroughly damp. thinking it just hadn't been in long enough i set it to another 30 minutes of just drying, and then i heard the sound of water rushing through the drum. maybe it uses the water in some kind of reverse osmosis. i don't know. in 10 minutes when the cycles up, i'm going to put dry clothes in for a dryer cycle. if they come out damp we'll know the washer dryer, my wonderful happy oh so yuppy LG washer dryer, is FUBAR (/2 [the washer cycle still washes]). grr. GRRR. 8 minutes now and still the water rushing sound.

in other news, i joined the Y today. that have, of all things, ballet classes i could attend. im going to check out one of their yoga classes tomorrow, and then hopefully get on an exercise schedule with a variety of differing aerobic classes. but i have to tape my foot, i think. the arch has been hurting me all day when i walk.

and in other news, i need to go back to school. in something. maybe anything. i don't know. i'm becoming a person without substance. my focus is dissipating; i have no areas of expertise or even increased aptitude.

in other news, i saw that guy again last night; it was fun, but he's not really interested in me, not in a hey-here's-a-new-person-i'd-liked-to-know-better way. that makes it difficult to place my feelings about spending time with him, because on the one hand, that's very much how i am with the world - either you're someone i want to know better or you're someone i don't actively want to know better or you're someone i try to avoid - which leaves me without an assessment rubric, and on the other hand, it's conceivable that other people don't acquire new friends by first having a conscious deliberate thought in their head that that's a person they'd like to know more about. maybe. i'm skeptical about that. when i think about the close friends i've made, the tricky question is not so much whether i or the other or both people responded in that way initially, but rather, whether that had lingering affects on the relationship. anyway, my point is that it's hard for me to imagine any kind of connection with another person growing up where there is not some initial spark of interest. i can't really wrap my head around the idea of a person growing to care for me simply because i happened to be around.

whatever. back to languages and alphabets and novels and writing.

shows about bad things

why do i, and presumably millions of other americans, enjoy crime dramas and medical shows? what's with that. Grey's Anatomy may ultimately be more about saving people than them dying, but it's still a whole lot of pain, injury, and illness. and these crime shows? why am i drawn to shows about coroners? dude. and more importantly, why are there so many shows available about coroners!? well, okay i like numbers for the math guy and, ironically, for the fact that they keep pawning off the same basic principal/ technique for almost every episode. i've really got to start looking for grad programs...have i mentioned i might just have to consider business school to accomplish my goals - however idealistic those may be...

anyway...still working away on the paper filing and planning.

[JHM] tearing off the band-aid

11 July pm

It's really really gone. You'd think this would be such a monumentous impact 6 months after the fact (well, 7, actually), and especially when I precipitated this result by asking him to go away. It's just sinking in. I'm not going to feel that again. I'm not going to see him again. It's really really not going to be a part of my life, not even as an illusion, not even as a somewhat painful memory. And he's fine with that, fine with shrugging off without comment the last thing connecting us. It's not so much that i expected some comment. It's more that even knowing there would most likely be none, I needed one. something, some resolution or indication of regret or at least ambivalence, so recognition of the significance of it all.

i hurt. i just hurt. i don't want to get to know more people and try to love more people just to face again and again that that can't be replaced. that it's just gone.

all of which is not to say I regret this latest step away, so much as I grieve that such a step was necessary. I am saddened to absorb what an empty fossil that last shred of connection was. i still know i had to let it go.

11 July am

There's still a part of me that hopes for some chance encounter to return this relationship to me. I loved him so much, so deeply - and yes, maybe that is simply a reflection on me, that i can love a person so genuinely, but it's also and still him. I felt so good around him and so me and whole, and there's a part of me that just longs to have that back, with him. and there's a part of me that has longed for him to be wanting that back too, to be missing what he felt with me. if he really felt any of that to begin with.

He didn't respond to my email, and i don't think he will, but it does seem like he's really stopped reading this. Sadly, I don't think this has as much to do with me not wanting him to read it as with me letting him know i knew he was reading it. Anyway. I feel like the way he responded pretty much spotlights the ridiculousness of that hope of mine. You would think encountering him in the street to no event, i'd be able to accept that even though he still thought of me, there would be no future reunion. I could for a while, but then my conviction faltered. I worry that the finality i feel over how quickly and completely he dispensed with his habit of whatever it was he was getting out of reading this, that that finality will disapate in the same way, and that not have that last link will not actually do what i hope and allow me to (slowly) stop thinking about him, that experience...

life imitating art

before i found the Ph.D. certified tests on tickle.com (it really is hard not to laugh at that concept, isn't it? a site called 'tickle' were <deep severe voice>serious</dsv> authoritative quizes.), but before then, i used to watch the foriegn new channels on the TV in the crash room of my dorm.  is that a term 'crash room'? I wouldn't watch the french channels because i understood those, but i'd watch any of the ones i couldn't understand.

the downside of this is that i have some memories of news programs that i'm not really sure i didn't make up. I remember some new story from iceland, i think, about some positive change in housing legislation. there was a late 30s-ish blond women talking about how nobody had an excessive amount but everyone was comfortable. obviously, i'm not really sure that this was what she was saying, but that's what i remember.

then there was this one about an author you openly claimed he committed in real life a murder he fictionalized in a book. complete with exhumation of some blackened bones in the back yard. the only catch, the author seemed to be the only one trying to prove a crime had occured...i think this one might have been english with subtitles or something else with english subtitles. it was odd and i was sleepy. but it's there in my head as this image of grey-haired man squating down in the back corner of his backyard where the worn stone wall faded into the low hanging on foliage. he holds a bone up to the camera and shakes it in an amused way.

i don't know why i thought about these stories tonight. perhaps because i've been have upsetting dreams. in fact there have been a number of odd elements in my dreams over the past few weeks. there has been some life thretening conflict -that's not odd. that's almost always part of my dreams- but there's been some distrubing kind of team interaction. and there's been some thing about a repeating convoluted buildings. i can't remember them really right now.