$disanpoter

oogle me google me

someone wandered on to this blog this morning after searching on google for the Rejection hotline. apparently, at some point over a year ago, when i was trying out the whole online dating thing for a bit, i'd used the number as the title of a post about the ridiculousness of having signed up for the service at all when i didn't really want to be dating anyone - or even meeting anyone, really. what's disturbing, today, is that my blog post is the only result that comes up.
only yesterday i was talking to a friend of mine about how i'm not so sure i want to be dating anyone. it's true, too, though it's not so simple, obviously - and its interesting to run across that post now, when the reasons are so different. back then i really didn't want to. i didn't want the emotional toll of it, i think. it's hard to tell the post isn't very well written. lately, i think i do want to date, i'm just averse to the loss of connections that comes from that not working out.

i don't really have that much more to say on that. friday night i had a good time hanging out with a guy from work. it was a long sustained time of close to 10 hours ultimately, and yet i think for much of it the conversation and interaction was pretty interesting (this judgment become more suspect as the night and my level of intoxication progressed).

now i'm out at my mom's. my grandparents are here and we're all going to play a bit of bridge. recovering from friday saturday, i really didn't want to come out, but now that i'm here, i'm so glad that i came. it's just so nice to see family - even if only for a day.

White Noise

I've hit that critical mass point again where all my thoughts and goals are piling up behind my eyes and at the outskirts of my brain like a throng of trapped and terrified creatures. the image that comes to my mind of course is that of the townsfolk locked in the burning church. it's that kind of undoing of self where the center that was meant to bind the group together in the best of ways becomes the source of their destruction instead. That's how my brain feels right now. I need to reorganize myself and my projects. I have so many ambitions - though ambitions with it's outwardly focused connotations is less the word i'd like to use than something else might be. There are so many potentials i dream of seeing fulfilled and provided for - in myself, in my life (the people, groups, and whatnot that i feel connected to), and in the world at large: or at least the world of minds represented electronically. It's not so much about me acheiving these things as these things being acheived at all. It's stressing me out...

So to start with, i'm going to more rigorously set up my space over at the disanpoter domain around projects. I'll keep this one for babbling in the hopes that one can become some kind of point of collaboration. I only wish i was smart enough and productive enough to be able to work with those minds i admire most ...

Reality Sucks, Read the Onion

okay so it doesn't....but still I love the Onion. Like this headline : Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever. How can you not enjoy that?

Another think i love about the onion - it's absolutely made up of the same people who spent the mornings doing cross-word puzzles in my math classes, put out Hierarchy of the Zucchini People, and otherwise entertained and amused all of us.

Anyway. I've been interested in things this weekend. I didn't get to go to that gallery show i wanted to, but hopefully i'll be able to sometime this week. First I was looking into movable type, then i was looking into the new top-level domains they've got out there, then i was trying to figure out some organizational changes to get my stuff put a way. then i had to regroup from having to fund a variety of moving issues that have cropped up for my mother. i'll get it all back of course, but things are a little tight, and i really really need groceries.

other than that, it's just trying to finish things up, get things clean, do something - before the weekend's over. and scheming up plans to make the world run better, you know, typical me stuff. and now...a fried egg, sourdough roll dinner. yum

catching up...

This seems to be the month of visits. This weekend i'm visiting my grandparents; next weekend Kara's visiting me; then memorial day i'm visiting my mother and my father (et al) might be visiting me. and then after that there some other things happening that i can't remember, but i'm sure will come up again.

Tonight however, all this planned visiting has reminded me of the other kinds of catching up i've failed to acheive recently: catching up on this blog, catching up on the changes of focus in my life, catching up with other friends and relative wisdom or lack there of of various apparently potential interests they've introduced me to, catching up on sleep, on exercise, on current films, on technology trends, on grad school options, on (re/)building a social network, on learning movable type and xml. i've got a lot of catching up to do.

i've always got a lot of catching up to do. i feel like i've become more of a perfectionist lately, rather than less of one, but really, i'm just exhausting myself. and the kicker is, i can't stop. i can't stop because i feel like i haven't acheived anything, which, unfortunately, is kind of true. i haven't acheived anything in the last few months, and excluding work, i haven't acheived anything in the past year or two.

odditites

my ftp password's not working on my website (not this one, my testing one), so i can't install the software package i wanted to try out tonight :/ bummer.

how odd is that though? my account password worked; it's supposed to be the same as the ftp one, but the ftp one didn't, and the server's up so it doesn't seem to be a connection issue...

hmmm

[The Project's Project] how surprise is what comes next, really?

i've decided my projects need to be talked about here in a more orderly manner. it's bad enough that i always give in to my own penchant for hokey title references, but what's worse is that then i can't find the darn things when i want to update them.

so henceforth, all titles will include a semantic label in [brackets like so]. evolving items too. only maybe in ]brackets like so[ to represent their continued expansion.

also, it's time again to change my categories: they don't really capture my focuses. there's too much ambiguity among them and they don't cover some of my interests. For instance, conservation and responsible living as a differentiated focus from establishing my home as a my home.

doncha'

they just played the budweiser girlfriend song on the radio. now they're playing some gritty male angst band. not that that's all that bad. repetitive though...

anyway, i was like that girlfriend song a few weeks ago, around the same time that i was debating with justin whether there was any difference between the terms 'nympho' and 'horndog'...ignoring the gender implications. he thought they were pretty much the same; i of course didn't. the song just amuses me. it's a role i wouldn't mind playing.

in other news...it's karaoke night! but a short karaoke night, since i've been sleep deprived recently (though not as much as the rest of my building). and i'm ridiculously excited about the model i've come up with for procedural rule control. the more serious specs are over on my project notes blog, which reminds me i meant to add that feed to the sidebar over here...

well, i'm back - and fairly tired. cold too, but what's new with that?

i'm definitely feeling a bit overwhelmed with work this morning, and ironically the dream i had last night might have been a result of that. of all the things one can dream of, I dreamed about a conflict with someone - a breach of trust, or betrayal - that included a failure to read eachother's blog. The claim going both ways was "well, it stopped being good."

I don't know what this was about. It might just simply be some ridiculous dream reminding me that my thoughts are not all that interesting. I do feel, however, that it goes deeper than just the thoughts set down on this site, and embodies a deep anxiety that i may not produce quality work or may not be able to continue to produce quality work.

bitter sleep

[aside] there's a term for the device in that title, and it's going to bother me until i figure it out: the phonetic twist of a common phrase into something else.

--and while we're talking about the mechanics of language is it even possible to have an aside prior to beginning of the content for which it is an aside? I'm thinking it's not. It may be possible to have an aside as the initial spoken content, but if you invoke a plausible instance of that before your mind's eye, intuitively, it begs for some precursor, some shared reference of non-aside action or presence between audience and speaker. [this space was previously filled with a ridiculous divergence into the directional qualities of the word aside and the possible relavance of vectors to the question]

--hey, you know what, i just had a delightful idea (for me at least). Wouldn't it be an excellent writing exercise to establish a recurring, distinct second voice on this blog? indulgent? yes. ridiculous? yes. but decidely a challenge. sort of a separation of my own skepticism of my own thoughts from my own thoughts.

yes

so here's what i'm planning next:

• top: lists. various 'type' (rather than category) list will occupy this space in columns. Small Images and minimal text will serve as placeholder, while mousing over the placeholders will expand an ample sized square with all the details. Clicking on the placeholders, where applicable, will lead to the main site for that item.
• main: feed bar. The top of the main compartment will have a scrolling bar of new updates to other things: my other blogs, del.icio.us, libraryThing, etc.
• side: These lists need to be tweeked. They're not particularly intresting as is, and that's bad.

and then, hopefully, some steps towards making it actually look good.